A couple years ago, I heard my dad’s voice again. It was odd and totally unexpected. I was living at a homeless shelter, when I heard both my parent’s voices. Those have been bad times for me and it made me feel emotional, to hear their voices again, audibly.
The weird thing is, that both of my parents have died. I thought I was hearing ghosts, until I saw an older man on a Netflix video and this man resembled my dad. I thought, why now? After all these years without a dad, leave the sleeping dead alone. Hearing their voices did make me cry and I thought they’d be very worried about me.
So was that the idea? For me to feel like a loser again? I guess so? I’ve been told by my ex-husband and a once best friend, Dena Doyle, that I was a loser in life. I agree with them. If you hear that kind of talk enough, it’s believable.
So, I guess their point is, I shouldn’t exist. I frankly, don’t know why I’m here? They are right, I have really made many wrong decisions. I live with the pain and they do not. I don’t understand people rubbing salt, into fresh wounds?
It makes them all better folks than me. So they’re right and I’m always wrong, I guess? They made their point, they succeeded in hurting me. I don’t know, someone who hasn’t.
So it’s hard for people who know me to accept me, for who I am. I don’t know why I keep trying? But I do. I will probably die, in the act of trying. That’s my life, unfortunately.
I have more people not in my life, than in it. I don’t know why I exist? I have always asked the same question, of myself. I’ve almost died many times. I’ve come to realize that life can be over in a few seconds. Once that happened, anything can happen. It’s a weird life, that’s all I can say.