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Monthly Archives: March 2017

Sleep Paralysis

On January 12th, 2017, I suffered a condition with an Aphasic event that left me unable to speak and swallow for at least 5 mins., probably longer. I wonder if this was a condition called Sleep Paralysis? About 3 million folks suffer with this strange disorder, that is related to Sleep Apnea or Sleep Deprivation. 

Just before I started this episode in the Cardiology office, I had a moderate to severe headache, moderate sternal chest pain, numbness of my right forearm, and lost my swallowing reflex. This medical crisis, was scary as HELL! This is do to, my history of chest pain, daily headaches, and high blood pressure. My grandpa Clifford Tallman, his sister Reba Horigan, and their father Chauncey E. Tallman, all died of Cerebral Hemmorages. 

Even my mother Eleanor Trueblood, I think, suffered with this condition? She had Progressive MS and had a few episodes of comas with seizure activity while she was alive. 

My grandfather Clifford, died suddenly of a massive Cebral Hemmorhage. So did Great Aunt Reba and her dad. The incredibly scary scenario, is that my daughter Laura. suffered a similar episode a few years ago, while in AmeriCorps, in Pittsburgh, PA. Laura was with her Supervisor from her job and they were going to be working and attending a Senator Bernie Sanders rally. My daughter Laura, all of a sudden, lost her ability to speak and collapsed on the ground. The paramedics were called and she was transferred via ambulance, to her local nearest emergency emergency room for diagnosis and treatment. Laura was referred to a Neurologist and was kept overnight in the hospital. This must have been incredibly frightening and alarming to her and her boss. I was here when her dad, Donald Ramie was called, about her condition. I’m her mom Susan Ramie, and I was greatly alarmed at this sudden episode, because Laura was around 25, at the time! 

It took Laura some minutes before she could speak again, and she was very foggy, as to what happened to her? I spoke with Laura, the day after being released from the hospital, and she had difficulty remembering recent memories. Laura’s speech was slow and deliberate. Since my Aphasic event, I’ve had a lot of memory problems, speaking and thinking of the right words, stammering over words, and further difficulty swallowing with some choking while eating and drinking. 

I feel, all my family events are related in some way, and a R/O Stroke Protocol was assigned to my care with new MRI brain scans, x-Ray’s, blood tests, and an EEG. Since this event, I still have speech  and memory problems with further gait balance issues, visual disturbances, sleep deprivation, and Hypereflexia. I think my family might have a gene for this syndrome? 

 
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Posted by on March 31, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Disability

Today, I’m having a lot of trouble trying to go back to work after having an Aphasic Event, a second tick bite that made me have worse ataxia, and chronic headaches that make it hard for myself to think. I feel, my Multiple Sclerosis symptoms are taking over my life, on a day like today. I think my Neurologist would understand me today, where my loved ones would not. I feel trapped in my body, where my hands are uncoordinated and I really want to be productive again. 

I’m not the best patient, because I don’t like to slow down, but realize this is a bad day, symptom wise. It’s hard for folks to understand what I’m going through when they are feeling fine. MS is such a weird disease and is frustrating with flare-ups. My mother had the most severe form of this disease. My symptoms have gotten worse since this summer. I’m trying to forge ahead with my life, but other people I know, don’t understand this progression of disease. 

It would be nice for folks to ask me how I’m feeling, but most people are too busy with their own lives. I would like their well wishes, but they are too involved with their own business. I could get upset for the lack of attention or self absorption, but everyone is on their own journey. That’s the nature of life. I already went through my mom being laughed at with MS, so I don’t want to be laughed at, but I guess, it’s my turn now. I don’t know a lot of people who stick with an MS patient. Only folks who really are invested in that person and love them. I feel alone, but I do love a few family members and will always love them, no matter what comes my way. 

I do want to do some type of work again, such as paid volunteering. I’ve always loved to help people less fortunate than myself. There are still folks less fortunate than I, but now I need some extra help. I’m ok with accepting a helping hand once in awhile. I want to be independent, for as long as I can. 

Currently, I’m working on my Disability claim with Social Security. It was hard to figure out, should I apply for Disability or SSI? I wasn’t sure, what the difference was? Some days like today, I really feel moderately disabled. Sometimes, mildly so. But I did feel, I had to apply for Disability since receiving a second tick bite this summer and someone injected into my calf muscle an unknown substance, while camping in Louisiana, that furthered my MS symptoms. 

I don’t know why someone would break into my car and do this to me, but they did. I have folks who hate me for their own reasons. Whatever they are? I was also assaulted with a dwarf man hiding inside my mattress in a motel room, I rented this summer also. I was in bed when this man’s hand lifted up the mattress cover and touched mine. I don’t know exactly who he was, but he could be an actor on TLC, because I recognised his hand from television. 

So why do weird assaults happen to me? If they happen to me, they can happen to anyone. Even in the bed I’m renting, I’ve felt someone moving underneath me, in the mattress below. It’s a scary and unusual event, when a person is hiding in a mattress beneath you. It’s a new way to assault someone, not a good decision when a camera is in a smoke detector in my rental bedroom. I don’t want anyone to hide from me in a mattress. If they are in there, I think they are criminals or have some break with reality? I think, this is a new way to commit assaults, robberies, and even murder? No wonder, I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks. Who would? 

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Aunt Doris

Today is the anniversary of my Aunt Doris’s death at age 51. My Aunt acted like a second father to my sister and I. She was shorter than myself and had an extreme hunchback or kyphosis. Even though her health was compromised by this spinal defect, she was a dynamo of a person! I never wanted to see her mad, because she was an Aries and watch out, she would put anybody in their place! I always did what she told me to do. No questions asked. When I did stop a job she had given me, she would remind me, that I had to finish my work before fun with my friends. 

Aunt Doris was my first boss, mentor, and teacher. She was small, but very mighty. One time she had an argument with my mom, Eleanor, and Aunt Doris got in the car and left the house. I was frantic and didn’t think she was ever coming back. She finally did and I was so thankful that she returned unharmed. 

My aunt taught me about hard work, reaching out to folks less fortunate than ourselves, and being honest with everyone. She strongly disliked folks who stole anything. She would never ask me to steal anything in life. Aunt Doris was blunt with her feelings and wanted to know the truth about her health, in front of me. It wasn’t good news. Our family doctor said she had 3 months to live, in front of me. I was an 11 year old, in shock! I loved my aunt and didn’t believe the doctor. But almost 3 months later, she died of heart failure. 

Her death was one of many shocks in my life. I really miss her attitude that I could do anything in life. She was a tough cookie, and she always encouraged me to finish what I started and not too hate. Unfortunately, I’ve still needed her wisdom sometimes and find myself feeling down and depressed about my life. 

I have said that I have hated some folks, because of badly hurt feelings. I need someone like her in my life, because I’ve lost the folks who’ve encouraged me the most. I lost her through death at such a critical time in my young life. I’m not sure why folks like  my Aunt Doris, are taken from us when we need them the most? 

I don’t know the answer to these life questions, but I have looked for others to provide me with a mentoring relationship. I found a fantastic nurse to do that once. In AmeriCorps, I found my supervisor  to take on that role for me. I really needed her support and faith in myself, to complete jobs she gave me, to do. We had a very interesting relationship with myself approaching her with work ideas and she said, get it done. I know she didn’t know my Aunt Doris, but it was almost like she was channeling her? 

The fact is, I’m not ashamed to say I needed my supervisor in my life as a BFF and mentor. I learned to love her and wanted her as a business partner. Our relationship may have been too much for office politics and I payed the price for this. But, I did know that she was someone very special in my life! It was maybe complicated, but I was very happy when I saw her and worked with her. It complicated things, because she very pretty, but I really learned I could step out into another career and produce great work! Everyone needs a mentor and BFF! They can really benefit the business world. I had been through a Divorce and didn’t realize who I needed in my life, until I met her. 

So I remember two very important persons in my life, that were both mentors of mine. I would love to do business with my AmeriCorps  supervisor again. We had great ideas and we got our work done quickly. We were a great team and I really miss not working with her again, in some capacity. 

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Sexual Harrassment

In 2014, when I was in AmeriCorps Goodwill NNE, I was sexually harassed and discriminated upon in the workplace,by my host site school. This was done by the elementary school librarian and one of the Special Education teachers. They arranged a group of teachers to be bystanders when they delivered this message to me, while I was already doing my job one morning, late in the school year. I was a volunteer with the MLC Corps working with English Language Learners in Wesltbrook, Maine. This form of bullying at my host site school had been going on for over a month. I didn’t know what was going on, but finally the librarian and the other Sp Ed teacher delivered their very clear message based on my perceived sexual orientation and the way I dressed. 

My host site AmeriCorps school, didn’t use me at all for volunteering when I introduced myself as their new AmeriCorps volunteer. This was most awkward when the director of my AmeriCorps Goodwill office, came for my host site visit. I was still in hope, that Canal School would eventually use me for my AmeriCorps duties. But they didn’t want to use me as a volunteer, because of my sexual orientation, even though, I wore suitable work clothes and was eager to volunteer. So I reported this twice to my AmeriCorps supervisor, who had my work schedule and knew where I was volunteering, based on my volunteer schedule I set up. I had a day timer that I used always for my work schedule. 

I reported in a long phone text message to my AmeriCorps supervisor the morning both of us were sexually harrassed, by the two teachers at my host site school. I had finished my volunteering for the day and couldn’t wait to get back to Scarborough, where I lived, to tell my AmeriCorps supervisor what had happened to both of us, that day. I ran out of characters, because I was upset and needed to report this to her. I trusted her, we were friends, but not in a relationship. I did know that I had fallen in love with her, but she had other relationships in her life. 

The next school day, I knew my AmeriCorps supervisor had told her supervisor and the Superintendent of the Westbrook School Department what had been spoken to me in my workplace, by the two teachers and at least 8 bystanders listening to this event. The school librarian treated me very coldly and made it a hostile work environment for me. Luckily I didn’t have much more time left in the school year. When school ended my AmeriCorps supervisor moved me to the Westbrook School Department to work in an upstairs office. It was too hot there and uncomfortable to work in, so I moved myself to the Walker Public Library to do my AmeriCorps work in a more friendly work environment. 

During my last work days at my host site school, we had a lockdown drill. This same librarian decided to not follow protocol and put her 1st grade students in the potential to be sacrificed by a gunman. She made a comment that she “Wanted to sacrifice herself.” I didn’t find this funny at all, because I thought her students were acting as angels and I decided to sacrifice myself, to save them. I  was planning on shielding them from harm, because I remembered what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the Principal and teaching staff sacrificed themselves to save others that school morning in Conneticut. 

I don’t think the school librarian was thinking of the nature of my work with refugee students from vulnerable countries? My host site school could have had death threats by hostile enemies to Americans. I received death threats myself on a you tube account I started for a School Registration Video. I never told my AmeriCorps supervisor about the death threats, I received via the Internet. The death threats occurred after I got back to CA too. I was also almost murdered in a heinous car accident attempt while I was driving to a school I volunteered at. Then I had a second attempt on my life going to work with AmeriCorps on I 295, near the Maine Mall/Jetport entrance. 

I don’t think I had a normal AmeriCorps experience and I would like to know, why not? 

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Freedom

What I want at this time of my life is freedom to move and live wherever I want to settle down roots. I’ve lived in three places all my life. One of those places, I’d like to return to. It’s a place that is growing, yet rural. If I had enough money, I’d get everything paid off and maybe even go to Europe, to live. Mostly, I want a private residence for a lot of reasons. 

I dream and visualize a smaller cabin or camp on a lake. It can be one to fix up. I don’t want to live there alone, so I have to consider my partner, I live with! What does she want? What are her dreams and goals for owning property? I know, she has wanted to buy a home. 

My future needs require a little extra space, not a lot. What are her needs for space and storage? My possessions have been shrinking over the years and I don’t need a storage unit. There’s the needs of my partner again. How much space does she require and is she amenable to new ways to handle clutter? I never lived with her stuff, so I don’t know how much she owns? She knows my amount of spacial requirements. 

I do love the new ways to recycle living space. Really, I would live with her anywhere! It doesn’t matter, because I love her with all my being. I was married before to a guy who didn’t value me. So, I have to value my new partner highly, or else, she’ll leave. We are still getting to know eachother and others have not let us have the space to do this. I never had a same sex relationship before and it’s different. 

After we met and worked together a few years ago, I wanted to get to know her better and live with her. There was something in me, that I wanted to have a relationship with her outside of work. My feelings were intense at times and I loved it when she visited me at my other job. I always wanted her to do that and I was so happy and shy when she did. She flirted with me and I wanted to go home with her. This was a chronic problem for us. Well at least, myself! Wherever she went, I wanted to go and see her. I knew she had a lot of friends, so I didn’t want to bother them, or get in the way. At work, I did stare at her and her body parts a lot. Everyone knew I had the hots for her. But I did believe, she had the same desires for me too! 

So I ended up being too pushy with her and we broke up. Then she realized we were no more and she was really sad. She crank called me and cried over the phone with her dog barking and I knew who it was! 

Well, then her siblings got involved and I took her back. We’ve been linked and attached to eachother ever since. I adore her! She doesn’t always adore me, but we have love and a sticky bond to eachother. I know she loves my humor and creativity. But not my medical problems. I have MS symptoms and I told her about them a long time ago. I didn’t want her to be in the dark, about my health and future needs. I think she has her own health problems too. I have to know about these and know what her treatment is. I love her and this is my responsibility as her partner. 

 
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Posted by on March 8, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Lesbian vs Queer

I was just listening to a radio talk show about how queer folks are perceived. Queer’s are different and walk a more lonely path. I am one and I should know. I was called queer by my mother when I was 15. Mom made me cry in front of my twin sister. At 15, I had my first girl crush on a senior, at my high school. My school’s size was small so everyone knew who that girl crush was and almost everyone ignored me. I never was invited to parties and no one wanted to sit next to me at lunch. Almost always, I walked home from school alone. I felt alone even in my own family. A few years earlier, I had started dressing like a boy, in boy clothes. Most of my friends were guys and I was just one of the guys! One time, my mom’s friend was wearing a shirt I liked and I asked if I could also have that man’s shirt in a blue stripe. Mom’s female friend didn’t want to get it for me, because it was a guy’s shirt. My mom Eleanor said, get it for her anyway! They bought it and I happily wore it out to see my friends. 

When my dad was alive, my mom would wear his shirts, sometimes jeans, and probably his sweater/ jacket. She wanted to be close to him and liked his scent. When I was in my teens, I wore his Navy uniform once. My parents called me Little Al or Little Albert. I looked and acted a lot like my dad, Albert Leo Trueblood. Should I have been born a male? YES! But I wasn’t! I’m all female, with no male parts. But some folks have both parts. The Whole Thing. So what! That doesn’t bother me, a bit! Once I was asked in 2005, if I was going to change my sex, to become a male! I said yes, but I changed my mind, since that time.  

I would love to become a sex therapist and discuss these issues with teens and younger adults. Heck, adults might want to talk to me too, about this! 

There are a lot of drawbacks to being queer, gay, or lesbian. I prefer queer and gay, to lesbian. They just sound better to me. One big issue queers like me face, is murder or extermination. It’s not that different than the Holocaust with the Jews being eliminated from existence. I’m partly Jewish too. When I was 15, my life was threatened when A car tried to run into me, from behind, when I walked home from school. This happened while my friend Linda looked on. She stopped walking home with me, after that. 

When I was in Maine, I wore my plaid shirt and clothes I liked. My hair was short and I didn’t wear make-up. I do like to look boyish, but I was wearing female clothes. Teachers and folks in AmeriCorps, thought I was too gay and decided to discriminate from having me volunteer with their students in one of the elementary schools, I was supposed to serve. It was my host site school, too! My supervisor laughed at me when I said, they weren’t using me at my host site school. She said, “Teachers will be teachers.” I didn’t think it was very funny and knew she was an art teacher too! She did not defend me, her volunteer! She told me she was Catholic, and I guess she didn’t like gay and queer folks? That must be her excuse for allowing sexual harassment and discrimination in the AmeriCorps workplace? 

During AmeriCorps, two car accident attempts were made by other folks to end my life. I think someone wanted me dead, because I was gay? Maybe I wasn’t gay enough? Maybe someone thought I was a gay wannabee? Well I do love a woman, so that makes me a queer. Last year, I made an attempt to show I was queer by keeping my windowpane rainbow up longer than I would normally. I love the rainbow flag and did see one outside my host site school. I thought it might be welcoming me to Westbrook, Maine, because I was from California. I always followed the CA Gay movement, but never felt part of it before. I finally do now! 

 
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Posted by on March 7, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

Safe Places

I was traveling last summer, paying for and staying in pretty expensive motel rooms along the way. One night in Texas, I got undressed for bed and climbed inside the made-up linens for a restful night’s sleep. After I had laid down a bit, I felt a bite near my right knee. It felt like a bug had  bit me. I through off the covers and investigated my right knee area. I didn’t see any bugs, but a man’s hand came up through the top mattress cover and touched mine. 

I freaked out at the sight of the knobby man’s hand. I think he was a dwarf. I realized this was the creepiest experience I had ever been through and moved to the other side of the bed. I realized this was a sexual assault, because I was disrobed, in my underwear, and was sleeping as a middle-aged woman alone. I didn’t know why this was happening to me and didn’t want any part of this person inside this bed. 

At first, I thought this was my marriage partner, because she had managed to do this, once before. But this was a really scary event and a wake-up call, for anyone travelling alone and sleeping without a partner. I have an idea who this was pulling this invasive stunt, it may have been a TV celebrity? I’m a big fan of celebrities, but this was way out of line and criminal behavior! 

I’m extra sensitive to sexual assaults, because I have had two guys try to rape me before. Once when I was a child and once during my marriage. Luckily both guys stopped before my body was penetrated. 

Recently, where I’m renting a room, I’ve had my marriage partner hiding inside my mattress. I guess, this is a joke to her, but dangerous for me. Once a child climbed inside this bed, was lying next to me, and zapped me with some electrical device! My partner was lying on the left side of me, zapping my left arm. This I worry, is a fire hazard inside a mattress! 

Once there has also been another female inside this bed, and injected me with a SC needle, some kind of fluid into my left arm muscle. One morning, I found a bloody needle mark on my abdomen, left from some type of injection. Another time, I thought a guy was sleeping next to me! My partner is a female and I don’t want anyone else sleeping inside my bed, other than her. We’ve started to have a sexual relationship and I really love her. I hope she realizes this! 

I haven’t told the police about this, because I didn’t think they would believe me! I think this is a new way to sexually assault someone, by hiding inside their mattress! This is an IKEA mattress and bed. My marriage partner is Swedish and I guess, thinks this is funny? I don’t! This concept reminds me of when I stayed at the Downeaster Motel in Scarborough, Maine, and springs were removed under my mattress, I guess, to allow someone to climb inside or stash something inside there. This is a PSA, from Susan Ramie, beware of sexual assaults, photos, or cell phone video being taken of yourself illegally, by perverts or sexual predators! I have had, illegal video and photos taken of my exposed body parts without my permission! 

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2017 in Uncategorized