Survivor Remorse

15 Feb

In February 2013, I was nearly a victim in a deadly car accident when I was in AmeriCorps. I was traveling to my usual volunteer site when I was stopped dead in my tracks by a speeding car who cleanly ran a red light in Westbrook, Maine. It was a normal scheduled assignment for me with my usual route by car. I didn’t realize anything was wrong until I got to the market on Stroudwater St. in Westbrook. I was traveling from Oxford Cumberland Canal School to Saccarrapa Elementary School to work with ELL children. 

When I got to the market I felt a tremendous foreboding that something bad was going to happen, but I didn’t know what? So I waited for 2 cars to pass me and I proceeded to the intersection of Stroudwater and the main route going toward Gorham, Maine. I started to slow myself down and felt like I was in slow motion. I visualized a type of bra harness around my car, like a safety net. I looked at a business card of my former AmeriCorps Supervisor and   

at the same time that I saw an approaching car going around 40-45mph out of the corner of my eye, I quickly thought of my loved ones and realized that they loved me too. In 3 seconds, I pictured my AmeriCorps supervisor first, then 2 of my daughters. Then impact would have occurred and I would have been crushed to death, T- Boned in an accident. 

This near death experience has plagued me for years now. It’s given me tremendous PTSD and has put a huge strain on the innocent folks I told about it afterward. I told 2 trusted people right away. They were the secretary at the school I was on my way too and after my volunteer engagement, I e-mailed my AmeriCorps supervisor about what had happened to me. 

The only thing I left out of the e-mail to my supervisor was that I visualized her photo of loved ones that I would leave behind. I also didn’t mention to her that there were dead people in my car that were present to cross over with me, so I wouldn’t be alone when I died. I don’t know if other folks visualize the dead crossing over with them, but I did. I felt like I should have died in this tragic accident and that it was premeditated by folks who wanted me dead. 

I have never talked this over with my supervisor, the school secretary, AmeriCorps, the school department involved, Goodwill NNE, an accident attorney, or the Westbrook Police Department in the city of Westbrook, Maine. I would hope there my have been a discussion about this, because their were so many other innocent victims involved who also could be feeling PTSD from nearly losing their lives that day too. 

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Posted by on February 15, 2017 in Uncategorized


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